


Stabbing Westward

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-28
Updated: 2002-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-01 09:59:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rated on the safe side this was up on another site thought I'd put it up here. Song fic, my first and only.<br/>Thoughts by Lex and Clark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stabbing Westward

## Stabbing Westward

by daughter of eve

[]()

* * *

Song is by Stabbing Westward. Characters don't belong to me I'm guessing Warner brothers has that right. First song fic. 

I am lost in the darkness between two worlds and here I'm struggling. 

My whole life I've been told how to act, how to behave in high society and I've rebelled at every turn and now I'm stuck in the land of corn where none of that high brow breeding matters and I don't know how to act any more. Everything I've ever been taught seems wrong. From the moment you came into my life I knew I was alive. Literally. How can I exist without you? 

You're the light I've been seeking cause my whole life there's been something missing. 

I heard angels cry with envy when I first looked into your eyes. Everything I was and everything I thought I was disappeared when I looked into your eyes. I thought you were an angel because surely I was dead. This boring town banished here like some servant and then you. None of God's creations should be so beautiful for what person would want to go to heaven? No one has ever looked at me like you do, you trust me, but could you love me. I've never allowed myself to feel the way I do when I look at you. 

Only you can make me whole Just one touch and you complete me Rescue me from this black hole that's sucked me in and left me dying. 

Can you save me? You've got about twenty-three years working against you. I'm too much like my father. To ruthless, to untrusting and everyone sees it but you. I wanted to be greater then that, stronger then my father but how can I when one touch, one look from you takes my breath away. It takes all my power all my training to keep my composer and for me that's saying a lot. You give me purpose. You give me life. You make it hard to breath. I never thought I would find anyone like you. I never knew anyone like you existed. 

You're the truth that I've been seeking cause my whole life I've been lying. 

Sex and drugs were to be the answer the way for me to break away from my family and be myself but that wasn't the answer. You are. You're the goodness in life that until that day at the river existed only in fairy tales. You woke me up. You willed me alive and until that moment how could I have known that the answer lies in a farm boy. A farm boy with sky blue eyes and hair as dark as night. A smile that can leave my legs feeling weak. It's so wrong that I need you. You who are so above me. 

God I pray you find me worthy of the right to stand beside you and of your truth and of your passion and of the right to sleep beside you. 

Clark I love you. Trust me with you secrets, I will never betray you. What do I have to do to make you want me? I'm not as selfish as I used to be. That's a part of me that never made me proud. I'll try anything. Let me love you as I've always dreamed of loving you. I know I don't deserve your love but I hope one day to earn it. 

* * *

Stabbing Westward and Warner Brothers an odd couple for sure. 

Lex's thoughts on his father. 

Lost in a world of doubt and insecurity. Nothing you hold sacred nothing you believe. 

Why do I have to be this way? What inside me is making me be like you? I can't hold onto anything I love, you made sure of that. Training me to fear love, to not trust anyone. It's that our motto; Never Trust anyone. Never fall in Love that's another but you did. You loved Mother I know it I could se it in your eyes on her birthday every year. You loved her and you resented her for making you love her so much. How could some one not? She was perfect. Now I've found perfection and you won't let me have him. 

Your life is a contradiction while you thrive on manipulation. I fight to just hold on to what I believe. 

Every single day I have to wake up and tell myself I am not you. I am Alexander Luther. I have the love of a man who looks at you like you were the devil. While you've never done anything unless it benefited yourself all I've ever cared about was the happiness of one man I thought would never looked at me the way I look at him. Yet I find myself turning into you slowly and it scares the shit out of me. 

I won't become the thing I hate I wont become the thing I hate I won't become you. 

I swear to God I will do everything in my power to make your life a living hell if you ever do anything to harm him or to come between him and I. He is mine. The only person besides the woman who gave birth to me who honestly and truly loves me. But you know how that feels don't you, to only have one person in the entire world love you, but your person is dead. 

You've treated me like I'm a worthless piece of shit You think like you're in control but you make me sick. 

You think you control my life? Sending me to Smallville as some sort of punishment. Smallville is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found happiness here you will never know. I have turned you damn factory around, saving it from bankruptcy and what do I get, verbal abuse. I've made your worthless ass millions of dollars and I'm only twenty-three. The problem is it's all yours. There's only one thing here that's mine and you want to take that too. 

I want to watch you suffer the way you've made me suffer I want to fuck up everything you've ever loved. 

You can't just leave it alone? Why does this one matter so much? You've never given much interest in my private life before, unless of course we shared the same partner. Is it because I love him or is it because you can't just spoil him by taking him as your own. Is it because you know you can't buy him off like you have so many of my other lovers? You want me to be alone but it's you who are alone. 

But I won't become the thing I hate I won't become you. 

* * *

One more. This time it's Clark. 

The more I feel the more I die. 

Everyone I've ever loved seems to get hurt. I love you, there is no doubt there and if you were to get hurt when I could have prevented it my life would be over. I sometimes feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, trying to be every where at once, trying to save everyone. I can't save everyone, and it's killing me. But I saved you, I brought you back from death and you've been in my heart from that moment on. 

Nothing to give, nothing inside. 

I can't share everything with you. It hurts me that I can't be truthful with you, tell you my secrets. All I can do is give you today. I can't make any promises for tomorrow . I've memorized every inch of your body because one day I know you won't be there when I wake up. I can't give you what you want, I can't let someone that close to me. Not even you. 

Everything I touch I break. 

The first time we made love I was so afraid of hurting you, of losing myself inside you and forgetting to control my strength, my speed. I could have hurt you as you asked me to push harder, to go faster, if you only knew how much I was holding back. I had no idea what would happen as I came inside you but you moaned my name and kissed my lips and I felt as if I had lied to you for the first time all over again. I felt your heart beat through your skin and it reminded me I wasn't like you. We were flesh and we were one so why do I feel so much guilt? We had shared the most intimate act that two people could and yet you still didn't know who I was. 

I scratch and tear until it bleeds. 

It's the only way I can convince myself I belong on this planet to show I'm like everyone else. It takes so long, dragging my nails against my skin, putting so much pressure on my skin until I see red and even then it only last a second and I have to start over again. I don't belong here. I want to so badly if only just for you but I know I'll never be with you as you need me to be. 

I do not want I only need. 

It's no longer a question of wanting you. I've wanted you on some level from the first moment I saw you but now I need you. And it's killing me. The need is so great that I'm afraid someday I will hurt you and then I'll never forgive myself. I'll squeeze you close to me and break your bones or grip my nails into you skin and make you bleed. I need you. But I can't have you. I hope you see what losing you would do to me. What would I have to do to forget about you? 

Everything I touch I break.....and I want to break you. 


End file.
